raine1807

2/1/09 02:24 pm - GOD BLESS

Today is a GOOD day.

CW: 105
HW: 151
LW:105
GW1: 100
GW 2: 90

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1/9/09 10:55 pm - Capable

Hello self. Let me remind you of what you already know:

Ate 4 donuts this morning (1 cherry, 4 walnuts),
100 kcal yogurt,
30 kcal granola,
1 banana,
45 kcal toast
apple butter spread (estimated 50 kcal).
2x 160z skim sugar free mochas (340kcal)

Went for a walk at 10:00 tonight because I couldn't stop thinking about those 4 donuts I totally gave into earler. And everything else I ate earlier. Now Vonnie just informed me that she want to take us to breakfast in the morning, and I agreed happily, and insanely. Shit.

108 before, but today I am 109; weighed in the morning, afternoon, and night.

I want to see my skin stretch to cover my bones. No more pinching this lard that jiggles and impedes my ability to crawl into very small places. Hah.

Most of all, I'd like to be seen as thin, and not have people telling me I look sick.

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10/14/08 02:52 pm - intervention?

Up from 109 to 110. Grrrgh.

I guess my dad and step-mom and grandpa all got together and decided that I look sickly thin. My dad said that if I don't gain 10 pounds, that I can't go to NY.

I laughed in his face and said that if he wouldn't let me go, I'd lose 10 more.

But I intend to lose much more than 10 more pounds. I won't eat a thing the entire 2 weeks I'm there, and he won't be able to do a damn thing about it. I am not even underweight yet, for gods sake! And he's already freaking.

I don't look sick. I'm not thin. I am not done yet.

just wait....

Current Mood:

confused

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10/11/08 10:59 am - vomit much?

Good morning to..... pretty much just me, since no one reads these.

I went to work yesterday and promptly threw-up in the sink and in the parking lot. I have no idea what made me so ill, but I up-chucked a grand total of 11 times before it finally subsided.

So now I'm 110lbs, and WILL NOT FUCK THIS UP.

(I look so ill and pale right now, but I don't look obese ; )

Current Location: home, alone

Current Mood:

anxious

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10/10/08 12:57 pm - Another day, and I SUCK

114lbs.

That's all it takes to make me suicidal. 3 pounds. FUCK.

I took 4 colon cleanse pills, and I KNOW I'm going to be writhing in pain tonight, at work no less. Dumbass. I don't know how I'm ever going to get to the weight I think I want....

It's impossible to loose all this weight before I go to NY on the 29th... less than 20 days now. What was I thinking??? All I've been talking about and thinking about is how I want to be atleast 100 for NY. I am such a disappoinment.

SO, today: skim latte (200?)

ooooh..... I'm going to throw up!! involuntarily too.... gah.... hld.

I ate 4 FF pretzels. I think I just found a new safe food. 100 kcal for 38 pretzels, and no fat. Thank you God.

Current Location: trapped inside a fat-suit.

Current Mood:

cold

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10/9/08 01:08 pm - Oh how times have changed

So, I've been eating, but maintaining?? How? I don't keep accurate track of calories when I do eat, but it feels like a fuck ton of food... Like maybe I should've gained 20lbs.. I feel like I have. Maybe all the scales are screwed.

111 lbs is my standstill so far, and I can't stand it; why can't weightloss be steady?

I guess I should look at the big picture, and be proud that I went from 151lbs to 111...... I used to think 110-115 was good, but it's like that whole idea never even existed somehow.. all I can think about is how my thighs still touch, and I hate that my books are still D's.

It's strange to me, but I honestly think that I'll have to weigh a lot less than 100 to look thin at all. Okay, not so strange, but definetly disheartening.

I think the easy part is over...

Current Mood:

crazy

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9/26/08 06:15 pm - lunch

Funny short story for you:

So I'm at work right now and the guy I work with was talking about lunch.. and he asked me what I usually eat for it..

My response: "I don't usually eat lunch...."

B-E-A-utiful.

(day 3 of fast)

Current Mood:

drained

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9/16/08 03:20 pm

So yet again, here I am.

I got up the courage to weigh myself later that day, and I was 119lbs, then yesterday and today I am 116. Suck at this fasting, and I am really disappointed in myself. From here on out, no more postponing my happiness. I must fast and be in the 90's by the time New York rolls around.

Please, don't let me down.

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9/14/08 11:59 am - Up Down FAT ASS

I cannot believe how long it's been since I've posted on here.... Not on proana, but in my journal... and I log in on a regular basis too... hmm.

Anyways, I guess I'll update as much as I can..

I got down to 109lbs in June (for his graduation), and then just lately I've been stoned out of my mind all the time and have since gained from the munchies. But today I am fasting, and will continue to do so until New York (Oct. 29th).

I think that if I stick to this hard-core and prove myself, I can be at a weight that I can finally live with... I just hate being so huge... I feel disgusting, and my 1's are getting tight again... really tight.

But I've done good so far today, even managed to avoid the lemon-cranberry scones made just for me. I don't have the courage to weigh myself yet, but I'll keep track here once I do.

Guessing, though, based on how tight my pants are, I'm gonna say around118lbs. Fuuuuck meeeee.

SO TAKE NOTE:

Today is Day 1 of my fast.

30lbs till happiness.

Current Location: Work

Current Music: Damien Rice "Green Eyes"

Current Mood:

calm